KARISE'S STORY
What does freedom mean to you?
Freedom to me is a choice as well as a journey. It means looking at the world around me through a different lens - a lens which requires faith and surrender. Freedom for me is about choosing to "let go" of whatever I am holding onto and opening my hand for what the Lord has in store for me. Freedom is about learning to live each day knowing I am loved.
Why did you pursue the Women in Freedom Photoshoot?
I was encouraged by a dear friend of mine to do this photoshoot as a way to help heal from some past wounds. I have struggled with low self esteem most of my life due to some pretty devastating trauma, hurts, and losses. In response, I also began to think that this experience could help me see myself through someone else's point of view as well as the way God sees me and that my story might be someone else's story. That we are in this life together and not alone.
Share a bit about your personal story and where you are today. In what ways have you stepped into your freedom recently?
In 2016, I was married to a man I absolutely loved. Right before I walked down the aisle to my future husband, I took a moment to thank God for this new chapter in my life. I grew up dealing with a lot of trauma, hurt, and loss, so getting married really meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, this chapter was not quite written the way I was hoping for.
My marriage was not the way God intended for a husband and wife to be. For over four years I was not touched, kissed, held, cuddled, or hugged. For about two years I slept in a room by myself and had my own bathroom (not by my choice). And to be completely transparent, our marriage was never consummated nor did we ever become "one" in that way. As each day passed, I pray to God for a miracle while begging my husband to go to counseling. I tried everything I could to make our relationship work, and I do mean EVERYTHING. I felt so worthless and degraded. I would cry myself to sleep each night hoping tomorrow would be different. Additionally, out of respect for my husband, I did not tell anyone we were going through intimacy and marriage problems. I became a pro at wearing the " I am fine" mask.
Finally, after four years of living like this, my husband broke down and told me the truth.
" He never loved me, did not want to marry me, did it because he was scared of what other people would think, that we were just too different, and he wanted a divorce."
I felt like I was sucker punched in the gut. Flashes of my wedding passed through my mind. Millions of questions flooded my brain. The next 24-72 hours were a blur. And then, just like that, my husband moved out of the house and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces.
Over the past two years I have been on a journey. I had to re-learn who I was as a woman and love myself from the inside out. I had to battle the ideas and lies that dwelled in my head that told me I was worthless and not good enough. I had to seek counseling so I could gain the tools so I could heal. In choosing to surrender and let go- I found a new sense of freedom.
Fast forward to now, 2021, and you will see a woman who has learned to LIVE LOVED and walk from a place of FREEDOM. I am now a wife to an amazing husband who I can truly call my best friend. We have known each other for years and were friends back in high school, however, God was waiting for this moment in time to bring us back together. Additionally, I am a stepmother to his beautiful daughter who I love as my own.
Each day is a process. I do not hide behind a mask any longer. Instead, I am able to be the woman who God designed me to be. I am able to see the beauty within the mess. I am able to share with others how God protected me through a dark season in my life. How he takes the shattered pieces of our heart and puts it back together better than it was to begin with. He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
How has this experience shaped the way you see yourself?
This experience allowed me to see myself through someone else's point of view and helped heal a part of me that was very wounded- my self esteem. Each smile, twirl, thought, look, pose, and moment was all about "Letting Go" and thinking about all I have overcome throughout my life. I didn't let my fear or insecurities take over. Instead, I stepped out with boldness and did something I never thought I would do. I have been able to see myself the way God created me to be inside as well as outside - Brave, Free- Spirited, and Beautiful.
How has this life of freedom had a positive impact on you?
Living loved and walking from a place of freedom has helped change my perspective on many aspects of life. Although there is chaos, hurt, pain, and suffering that goes on in the world around us, there is equally so much beauty, love, joy, and happiness. I know my problems have a purpose and I can use these stories (my voice) to inspire others to find the miracles within the mess. I have allowed myself to open up my hand and release the tight grip I had on things that were holding me down, whether that be by my own admission or from the hands of others, to make room for something better.
What was the most meaningful aspect of this photoshoot to you?
The most defining moment for me of this experience was seeing the unedited photos during dinner with Kelsey and my husband. I remember thinking to myself-
Wow! That is not me. That cannot be me!
I began tearing up because I was truly able to see the light of God shining through. I was able to not only feel beautiful, but look at my physical appearance as beautiful. My outside finally caught up to how I am feeling on the inside.
How do you plan to hold onto this feeling of unique freedom?
Making sure to put God at the center of EVERYTHING. There is no way for me to hold onto this feeling of freedom without Him. As I continue on my journey, I plan on making sure to be transparent about when needing help- "It's okay to not be okay." However, I will also not shy away at using my voice to share about the blessing and joy in my life. Focusing on things above and speaking life.
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