TONI'S STORY
What does freedom mean to you?
To me freedom means having a heart and mind that are at peace. It’s contentment and trust in God no matter where I am, what’s going on, or what’s being said. It’s being in a state of rest in the place where I am, with the ones God has given me or put in my path. Freedom is having no boundaries restraining me from being the woman God designed me to be and no limitations holding me back from doing the work He’s called me to do. It’s being at peace in my relationship with my Heavenly Father and patiently waiting for my eternity with Him, all the while living a life that is pleasing to Him. My best life I can live and my blessed life by my loving Creator!
Why did you pursue the Women in Freedom Photoshoot?
I wanted to do this as a bold and confident proclamation of who I am. I love my life! God gave it to me. I love me! And that’s ok because God loves me, too. What good am I to Him or to anyone else if I don’t allow myself the freedom to be who He’s made me to be. This photo shoot, very simply put, seemed liberating and something I would enjoy doing so I did it. At one point in my life I was called “the fun lady”. I’ve lost her over the last several years and I wanted her back. This was a giant first LEAP!
Share a bit about your personal story and where you are today. In what ways have you stepped into your freedom recently?
For many years now, I’ve lived under the bondage of criticism. I’m all for having those close people, confidants and friends, who lovingly help me stay grounded…especially through some of the trials I’ve been through and some I’m still going through (infidelity, betrayal, divorce, a child with severe health issues, and most recently the death of my husband), but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ve been under the watchful eye of those with a critical spirit, watching my life from the outside, looking for opportunities to condemn me. Like paparazzi looking for a controversial photo to plaster for the world to see. Being a people pleaser by nature, I’ve let it handicap me. I can’t describe in this small space the full extent of what that feels like but just imagine trying to escape from a straight jacket. It has been choking the life out of me! It’s no one’s fault but my own. No more! I am free to be me! And me, just as I am, is exactly who God loves and calls me to be.
How has this experience shaped the way you see yourself?
For the first time in a long time, I see myself beautiful! I’m not in one little bit talking about outward beauty…I’m talking about the real me, who I am on the inside. That’s the eternal part of me. My personality and my character…my soul. That’s the part of me that’s been under attack, criticized. It’s had me constantly second guessing and questioning myself. But Jesus loves me and has made me His beautiful bride, washed by HIS WORDS, without spot or wrinkle…flawless beauty that only comes about by His love. I am His! He loves me! That makes me beautiful!
How has this life of freedom had a positive impact on you?
You know what…I’m about to find out. I’m throwing wide open the doors I’ve long hidden behind, fist clinched to the knob so no one could peek in. I’ve got a story to tell. I’ve got people to help, especially women like me. This is a new beginning for me and I’m excited about this new chapter in my life.
What was the most meaningful aspect of this photoshoot to you?
Looking at the pictures when it was all done was the most meaningful part of this experience. Seeing my light shine through and captured in a photo. And seeing myself beautiful on the outside, too. I am my own worst critic and focus too much on my flaws when I look at pictures of myself. That’s why there are very few pictures of me up to this point. But Kelsey had a way of capturing beauty that I knew was there but hadn’t been seeing. I was shocked when I first saw my pictures! I wasn’t expecting to see much I liked but the opposite happened. I found myself struggling to dwindle them down to the several I decided to keep.
How do you plan to hold onto this feeling of unique freedom?
Oh, I’m sure it’s going to be a struggle. I’ve got to find a balance of loving and caring for others without letting the opinion of others or the possibility of disappointing them control me. I’ve got to find my stride, be consistent with it. I’m going to start by reading a couple of good books on the subject and daily putting into practice what I learn. I’m going to sit down with a godly counselor and unpack some of the stuff I’ve been keeping inside. I’m going to prioritize starting my day with prayer and reading the Bible which is filled with good news and reminders of just how special I am to the One who matters most. I’m going to learn to say no without feeling guilty. I’m going to get physically healthy, too. So many have told me that I have to take care of myself, too. Self care is important! I’m sure I’ll have set backs, but I’ll shake them off quickly and press forward. I’ll chose to love me even when others may not. I’ll continue to walk in the liberating attitude of being free to be me!
Anything else you'd like to share?
Kelsey, I adore you! In just a short period of time, through your own life story, you have inspired me to just be me. For that, I am forever grateful! It is such a true HONOR to be part of this project and to be included with so many other beautiful women who’ve found freedom in their lives!
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